Sports 4 Dorks

The fans have spoken, and the votes are in.

(How many of today’s columns and/or posts on this subject have
started off with that line? We’ll have to do a Google search a little later, once we stop watching this.)

The NBA announced the All-Star Game starters last night,
voted on by the fans, probably
this guy, Kevin Harlan, and a whole lot of our friends from overseas.

("Not enough of them!"
claims Tracy McGrady. "How do you say, ‘ungrateful
jerkface’ in Mandarin?", McGrady continued.)

I don’t want to muck around too much longer, the
parenthesis-bit is already stale, so let’s just to the picks and how the fans
horribly, horribly screwed things up for everyone.

Eastern Conference

Point guard

Fans pick: Jason
Kidd.
My pick: Chauncey
Billups.

Seriously, guys, Jason Kidd? He’s the best point guard in
the East, to you?

Are we way into missed jump shots, now? Is that the new
thing? Is that what you’re doing with your punk friend Jeremy after school? I’m
marking the bottles in the liquor cabinet now, you know. You’ll have to find
some other way to get your jollies, miss your jump shots, Nintendo-whatever
with that idiot Jeremy. I’m sick of talking about this. Go to your room.

Shooting guard

Fans pick: Dwyane
Wade.
My pick: Dwyane
Wade.

He’s not the type to go off in an All-Star setting, but he’s
the best off guard the conference boasts.

Small forward

Fans pick: LeBron
James.
My pick: LeBron
James.

If offense were the only consideration, he’d be the MVP.

Power forward

Fans pick: Kevin
Garnett.
My pick: Kevin
Garnett.

If offense and defense were the only considerations, he’d be
the MVP.

Center

Fans pick: Dwight
Howard.
My pick: Dwight
Howard.

Howard was pretty embarrassed on TNT
last night; hopefully he’ll feel more comfortable in his own skin once the
pointless "controversy"
over his unexpectedly fatherhood subsides.

Western Conference

Point guard

Fans pick: Allen
Iverson.
My pick: Steve Nash.

This isn’t the part that’s going to upset you. This is:

Shooting guard

Fans pick: Kobe Bryant.
My pick: Chris
Paul.

No, Paul isn’t a shooting guard, but they only list "guards"
on the ballot. You can have two off guards, or two point guards. I say pick the
best two guards. And Paul, so far this season, has been better than Kobe.

Paul: 21 points on 49 percent shooting, 36 percent from long
range, with 10.4 assists, 2.4 turnovers, with 2.6 steals and 3.8 rebounds.

Bryant: 27 points on 45 percent shooting, 35 percent from
long range with 5.1 assists and 3.2 turnovers, two steals per game and 5.9
rebounds.

People: assists lead to points. Paul has over five more
assists per game than Kobe,
which likely leads to (throw in a pair of three-pointers) 12 more points for
his team. That more than makes up for the six points Paul loses in the points
per game march, and Paul is more dominant defensively (did you see him take
over the Warriors/Hornets game defensively a few weeks back?).

Kobe
has been great this year, but he’s also doing his damage in an up-tempo offense
that leads for more chances to pump up stats. The Lakers average 7.5 more
possessions per game than the Hornets, they run the 4^th-fastest
tempo in the league compared with a New Orleans team that is the fourth-slowest.

It’s OK. Learn to love.

Small forward

Fans pick:
Carmelo Anthony.
My pick: Dirk
Nowitzki.

He’s better than Carmelo, and he contributes more. Scores a
little less, rebounds more, passes more, doesn’t turn the ball over as much (only
8.6 percent of his possessions). Don’t let his play from last April and his
decreasing stats lead you to underrate what he’s contributed since the ball
went up last October, or fall in love with the new face from Denver.

Power forward

Fans pick: Tim
Duncan.
My pick: Tim
Duncan.

Always good to break up what would be a highlight-reel
worthy alley-oop in the All-Star Game.

Center

Fans pick: Yao Ming.
My pick: Yao Ming.

Charles Barkley was prattling on about Marcus Camby last
night, and he needs to stop.

Ming: 22.4 points, 10.7 rebounds, 2.5 assists, 2.3 blocks. Houston averages 90
possessions per game.

Camby: 9.5 points, 14.4 rebounds, three assists, four
blocks. Denver
averages a league-leading 98.3 possessions per game.

Camby’s an All-Star, but he’s not having a better year than Yao. Amare Stoudamire
gets no sniff as a starter due to his abysmally-bad defensive season.