Sports 4 Dorks

I sat down at In-N-Out with my teammate
Will Frisby as we waited for our food. Everybody around us had on shorts and
expensive sunglasses. Someone mentioned the surf, someone else mentioned the
weather (it was unusually gloomy), someone else asked me if I played for the
Lakers. I finally took a bite of my Double-Double and chased it with some Animal Fries (not on the menu, but if you know about ‘em then you know what’s
up). I looked up and saw an old short guy walk in holding hands with a young
tall blonde woman and I felt a certain glee fill my body. I was back in L.A., the place where
dreams come true.   

As a So Cal kid it’s a nice treat to
come back and play in La La Land. I dish out a few tickets and all my friends
and family come to the games to watch. This time was especially cool because my
Boom Tho co-founders were all in attendance. At one of the games there was even
a woman who I did not know holding signs that read "Boom Tho!!!,"
"It’s in there like swimwear," and "Roses are red, violets are
blue, I’m ready like spaghetti, how bout you?" 

With my main man J. Gant in town, I
figured I’d head out to an L.A.
hotspot and get back into the scene. Last year at this time I was down in L.A. and went out to a
club called Area. I ended up spending the better part of my night watching
beautiful celebrities such as Paris Hilton walk in while I was held outside. I
wasn’t connected enough to get in that night. Apparently neither was Keyshawn
Johnson because he stood outside right next to me. It wasn’t like I knew him or
anything, but I definitely felt like we were Doug and Steve Butabi trying to
get into the Roxbury. This year would be different. 

I showed up at a club called Goa with intentions to get a table. I figured I didn’t
need to know anyone if I got a table. I mean heck, it’s money they want and I
was prepared to give it to them because I can’t party like that in Bismarck. I walked over
to the woman who was assigning tables and asked her what was up. She told me
that there was a two bottle minimum. Mayyybe I would have been cool with that
if there weren’t three of us, but I wasn’t really. Before I could even reply to
her (I guess she read my body language), she asked me if I played pro
basketball.   

"Yeah, I play," I told her. 

"OK, for who?" she asked
again. 

The answer to such a question would
obviously make or break me. It was way to much pressure for the moment. I
crumbled. 

"I’m, uhh, actually … I play for
the Dakota minor league NBA team. Umm, are you familiar with the
D-League?" 

"Ooookaayyy. I’ll be right
back," she muttered as she walked away. 

She never came back. She walked other
people past me and sat them at tables, but she was done with me. I stood there
for about 20 minutes trying to get the attention of somebody to help me, but
there was no luck. Finally the security guard came up to me and said "It
doesn’t look like it’s going to work out for you tonight, homie." 

Paris Hilton then jumped out of a car
with camera bulbs flashing and walked in. It was over. I lost. If Keyshawn
Johnson had shown up it would have been perfect deja vu. 

I guess they fail to recognize the
glamour of the D-League. Maybe she thought it was like the fourth-best league
or something. Like the NBA is the "A" league and I am in the
"D" because I have no ability whatsoever.  Maybe she
needed to be at the game so she could see the Boom Tho signs. Maybe I should
have hit her with the "I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m kind of
a big deal. People know me." line. Would saying that I have a blog help?
Who knows? Well, since I won’t be back in L.A.
for a long while, I have time to think about it.